Erma Bombeck Quotes.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
