George Carlin Quotes

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.