Groucho Marx Quotes

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.